Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Naked

What a day. The gamut of emotions that I endured today ranged from absolute elation all the way to soul destroying grief. As careful as I've (kind of) been about not revealing too much personal information, right now I don't feel like hiding. I don't know if I ever explicitly said anywhere in my blog or my tweets that my Father died a little more than three months ago. Consequently, it's been a weird few months for me.

Right now everyone in the house is asleep and it's just me and my laptop. After a month of posting everyday, it would be strange to not have something to say today so here I am.

First of all, I am glad this shit is over!!! Do you have any idea how nerve wracking and emotionally bizarre it is to have a three month lag between the death of loved one and the actual funereal service? Unless you have a close family member who was buried at Arlington Cemetery you probably don't; if you do, you have my deepest sympathies and condolences. After twisting in the wind for three months and trying to nurse my Mother and Sister through this thing from Fargo, it is a great relief for it to finally be over.

My folks were married for over 40 years and met a couple of years before that, so as far as my Mom was concerned nothing important happened in her life until she met my Father. Their marriage, while not perfect, was as strong and resilient as the people who entered into it. My Mother basically does not know life as an adult without my Father at her side. When she mourned the loss of her own her Father shortly after I was born, my Father was at her side and helped her through the tough days and nights that followed. My Father was there with her through thick and thin for 40 years and now she is alone.

I have no idea how to help my Mother. In a way I'm kind of glad that I've been gone, not because I don't want to help my Mother but for exactly the opposite reason. I would have helped her too much had I been here for the last three months. My instinct is to shield and protect my Mother from whatever comes her way, probably at the expense of my own family. It would have been close to impossible for me to allow her to deal with some of things that have transpired since my Father's demise had I only been a short distance away.

While I'm being totally honest, I know that my Mother feels that I prioritize my wife and child above her and she's right, I do. It's OK, this seems like something that every son has to go through with his Mom to some extent. Your Mother gives you so much, she loves you so much, she sacrifices so much for you as a child, that it's little wonder that once you become an adult and put another woman before her in your life that she does not like it. Still, I know that I'm doing the right thing; I'm following the example that my Father set for me.

2 comments:

nylonthread said...

Hill Rat, that was a beautiful post. Thank you for bringing us in a little closer and my sympathies go out to you and your family.

Hill Rat said...

Nylon,

Thanks so much. I was going to take a few days off, but the GotoGirl suggested that I push through and she was right. It's been real helpful to write everyday and get the support of wonderful people like yourself.

All the Best,

HR